For the first time in a long time, I am looking hopeful toward the future.
It feels like I am able to breathe again.
Yet the pain of the last 6 months is still lingering.
The struggle, the uncertainty, the pain, the loneliness is still with me.
I changed my path and found a new destination.
But the destination is new, unknown.
Will everything work out okay?
What if it falls apart?
What if it doesnt turn out in my best interest?
But then what if, it turns out better than I can imagine?
What if I am on the path of finding what I have been searching for for so long?
It’s easy to see the fault.
It’s easy to see what went wrong.
It’s easy to see the things which haven’t worked out for me.
I do carry the belief within me that “life has to be hard for me”.
But I am so ready to leave this behind.
To come home to a place where I feel safe and supported.
And the thing is, I might have found that.
So part of me is excited.
But there is still this little voice within me…
“Who are you to deserve this?”
And this makes me sad, so sad.
That after all the pain I have been through.
That after all the work I have done within myself,
That I still feel like this.
It feels like all my life I am trying to reach the surface to get a gasp of air.
Yet as soon as I get comfortable,
the darkness beneath me is pulling me back down,
whispering “try again”.
Therefore here I am sitting with the prospect of good times ahead,
stopping myself from getting comfortable, from relaxing, from celebrating,
in fear of the darkness below.
I am SO tired of the endless struggle.
And I know there is nothing I need to change outside of myself.
But that I need to change my beliefs within myself in order to let this go.
I know I have tried so hard to do this.
And it feels like I am not really getting anywhere.
But again, this is my perception.
And our perceptions also can be changed.
Being a conscious human sucks sometimes.
Knowing that in the end, it’s all up to yourself.
Let’s see where the path is taking me.